Baby Boom
by Kitsuru
Summary: [Crack, NaruHarem] When Naruto's wives take a week long vacation, Naruto quickly learns that having a big family might NOT have been the best idea he's ever had. And when Akatsuki gets involved, things can only get worse... [WIP]
1. Day One: Vacation

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I do, however, own this! -brandishes a tomato-

A/N: FEAR THE TOMATO!!

Sasuke: Tomato…

Er... Sasuke? Daijoubu?

Sasuke: TOMATO! -tackles Kitsuru-

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! -runs around with her hand in Sasuke's mouth- _GETITOFF**GETITOFFGETITOFF!!**_

Shikamaru: …how troublesome. Let's just get this troublesome attempt at crack over with…

Lee: _**YOSH!**_

* * *

"Lock the door!" Naruto shouted, running into the room. His eyes, normally filled with mischief, were instead wide with complete and utter terror. Dark shadows lay under them, accompanied by heavy bags. His clothing was dirty and torn in places from his harrowing escape, and his hair had a few twigs and leaves in it.

Sasuke, Neji, Shikamaru, Lee, and Sai blinked at him. He blinked back for a moment, before a shout from outside was heard. His eyes grew fearful once again, and he scrambled for the door.

"Dobe…" Sasuke finally began. "What are you doing?"

"TEEEEMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!" He wailed, latching onto the Uchiha in despair. Sasuke looked decidedly uncomfortable. "IT'S HORRIBLE! _SAAVVVEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!_"

"YOSH!" Lee shouted, punching the air eagerly. "For the sake of all that is youthful, we must aid our youthful friend! And if we cannot do that, then I will run twenty thousand laps around Konoha! _YOSH!_"

"Too troublesome." Shikamaru said, going back to watching the clouds through the window. _Huh… that one looks like a deer…_

"Hn." Neji added.

"YOU _HAVE_ TO DO _SOMETHING_!" Naruto pleaded. Sasuke managed to peel the sobbing blonde off of him. "I'M _BEGGING __**YOOOUUUUUUU!!"**_

"Sorry, Dickless." Sai said when Naruto stumbled into him. "I don't swing that way. Pretty-boy over there might, though…"

"_What was that?" _Neji and Sasuke hissed in unison, anger sparking in their eyes.

Something banged on the door, startling the shinobi. Naruto, now clinging to Lee, started screaming about how 'they' were after him.

"NARUTO!" Lee cry, jumping to his feet. "YOU'RE FLAMES OF YOUTH MUST NOT FALTER IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY! I WILL STOP THIS MENACE, OR DO _FIVE __**MILLION PUSH UPS!**_ _**YOSH!!**_"

He strode out, his eyes flaming and his head held high. Naruto scrambled to lock the door after him, before retreating back behind Neji.

The five ninja's were utterly silent, waiting.

"FOR THE SAKE OF THE SPRINGTIME OF _**YOUTH**_, I HAVE COME TO… STOP… you… oh… um… OHAIYO, SA—"

Another roar was heard, and a high-pitched, terrified scream.

"There's a little girl out there?" A mildly alarmed Sasuke asked Neji, who had activated his Byakugan.

"No." He said. "That was Lee."

"OH, BY THE FIRES OF YOUTH! I BEG OF YOU, DON'T—GAI-SENSEI, HELP ME!!"

"LEE!"

"_GAI-SENSEI!" _

"_LEE!!"_

"_GAI-SEN—__**AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!**__"_

"_FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IS YOUTHFUL!_ _**LEE!!**_"

"_**GAI-SENSEI!!**_"

"_**LEE—AAAAAAAA**__**AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!**_"

The door buckled as a huge weight—probably one wearing green spandex—was thrown against it, then cracked. Naruto whimpered and cowered behind Sasuke. The Uchiha exchanged a significant look with Neji, then nodded in agreement to a silently made plan between two of Konoha's genius pretty boys.

"At a time like this…" Sasuke began, grabbing one of Naruto's arms.

"Teme?" Naruto asked nervously, looking at Sasuke. "What—what are you doing? "

"…Sacrifices must be made." Neji finished, grasped the other. The blonde's eyes widened.

"GUYS?!" He yelped, as Shikamaru unlocked the door. "WHAT—WHAT ARE YOU—NO! _PLEASE __**DON'T—"**_

The door opened…

"_**NOOOOOOOO!!"**_

…And in marched almost a dozen women, each holding a squalling infant in her arms. Armed with dirty diapers, bottles of milk, and other terrifying instruments of Naruto-torture, they rounded on the whiskered ninja.

"_NOOOO!!!"_ Naruto wailed, struggling to break free of his 'friends.' "DON'T LET THEM GET ME!! _HAVE MERCY!! **NO****OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**!!"_

* * *

As they watched the wildly sobbing jinchuuriki be dragged off by his harem, the shinobi gave each other smug looks.

"Serves him right…" Sasuke muttered. "The dobe stole Sakura."

"Tenten, too." Neji growled. "And Hinata-sama."

"Troublesome…" Shikamaru muttered, then sighed. "Don't forget Ino and Temari."

"You know what they say…" Sai said cheerfully, having enjoyed the show. "You sleep in your bed, you have to clean up after the results."

"Isn't it: You made your bed, so now you have to sleep in it?" Shikamaru asked. "Or something troublesome like that…"

"Hai, but my version fits better." Sai replied.

"He's got a point." Sasuke agreed.

"Naruto probably won't be sleeping much anymore." Neji added maliciously.

The ninja, recalling the sheer number of infants, shared a laugh at the future hokage's expense.

* * *

"Please, no—anything but _that_!" Naruto begged, backing up as the women brandished his worst nightmare at him.

"Too bad!" Ino said with a smirk, dumping a load of diaper bags into his arms. He fell over at the sudden weight.

"They're your kids, too." Temari pointed out with an all-to-evil grin. "So you have to do your share, _daddy_."

"See you in a week, Naruto!" Sakura called smugly, grabbing her purse.

"A _WEEK?!_" The blonde yelped, his blue eyes bulging in shock and fear.

"Bahamas, here we come!" Tenten cheered as she practically danced out the door.

"_YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE__** ALONE!!**_" Naruto wailed, grabbing onto the leg of the last remaining girl.

"G-gomen, N-N-Naruto-k-kun…" Hinata stammered, gently disengaging the blonde jinchuuriki and kissing him on the cheek before fleeing out the door.

"Hinata-chan?" He whimpered as the door closed. "Tenten? Sakura? INO? _COME __**BAAAACK! **_

He flung himself at the closed door, tears rolling dramatically down his whiskered cheeks. He heard the laughter of his girls fading away as they walked further and further away from him.

"_**DON'T GOOOOOOO!!!**__"_

* * *

Tsunade woke up with a start, her gaze darting around the room in confusion. It was empty, save for the piles of paperwork that she had—as per usual—procrastinated on doing.

"…Did I just hear someone scream?" She wondered, then realized that her head was pounding—courtesy of the twenty empty sake bottles that she had drunk before her unplanned nap. She promptly clutched her head, forgetting about the sound that she had heard in favor of moaning about her unusually painful hangover.

"Tsunade-sama!" She winced at the overly-cheerful tone of Shizune's voice. "Here's your paperwork for the next week!"

Shizune turned around to face the gathered chunin, each of which held a large pile of paper. "Okay, boys, you can bring it in now!"

Tsunade paled as, right before her eyes, the amount of paperwork in her office more than tripled. _This is going to be one long week…_

* * *

A/N: Tsunade has no idea just how right she is…

So, should I continue this? If so, I plan on including Naruto grocery shopping, in-laws visiting, and Akatsuki babysitting!

If not…then I'll just leave it as it is and move on to writing something else. It's your choice!


	2. Day Two: Diapers

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

A/N: I just saw _Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End_, and it was amazing! I won't say any more about, in case any readers haven't and are going to, but it was one of the best movies I've seen this year!

For anyone who's curious, here are the names and ages of Naruto's kids, categorized by their mothers.

Hinata- Himi (Girl, 18 months), Arashi, Haku, and Sarumaru (Triplet boys, 7 months)

Tenten- Kohaku (Boy, 15 months.) and Shou (Boy, 6 months).

Ino- Inoichi (Boy, 14 months) and Inoji (Boy, 3 months).

Sakura- Nagesa and Midori (Twin girls, 16 months), and Ken (boy, 5 months)

Temari- Hotaka (Boy, 8 months).

Sorry if this is a bit unpolished. It's nearly 1 AM here, and if my parents catch me online, I'll get in serious trouble. And I didn't want to make you guys wait another day for it…

------

What woke Naruto wasn't the noise. It wasn't the smell, either.

It was the _taste_.

He had been having the most wonderful dream, which involved an all-you-can-eat buffet at Ichiraku's. Naruto had just started to eat the first delicious bowl of ramen… but it wasn't so delicious.

It was so terrible, in fact, that it woke him up. And that's how he found himself on the floor with a diaper on his face.

A _used_ diaper, to be specific.

------

"Did you hear that?"

Anko blinked in surprise, glancing over at Kurenai. "Hear what?"

"There was this really odd sound…" The jonin murmered, frowning as she tried to see past the steam that veiled the onsen that several of Konoha's top kunoichi were currently relaxing at. "It sounded somewhat familiar…"

"Are you sure that you weren't just imagining it?" Suzume asked as she wiped the fogged-up lenses of her glasses. "You have been under a lot of stress lately, with your son graduating the Acadamy and all…"

"You're probably right." Kurenai admitted after a moment of thought. She sank back into the warm water, closing her tired eyes for a quick doze…

"HEY, ERO-SENNIN!"

That name, at an onsen, could only mean one thing. Kurenai hurriedly opened her eyes and, along with her fellow kunoichi, grabbed her weaponry. It was time for their weekly game of 'make the pervert cry like a little girl.'

------

Naruto sweatdropped as the less-furious-than-before-but-still-pretty-mad kunoichi stalked back towards the onsen, eager to wash off the blood of a certain sannin. The same sannin, in fact, that was currently lying a few feet away from the blonde. Naruto could only do one thing.

He poked Jiraiya with a stick. "Ero-sennin?"

"…"

Poke. "Daijoubu?"

"…"

Poke. "Are you even still alive?"

"…"

_Hey, this is actually kind of fun…_ Poke. "Ero-sennin!"

After over an hour of poking the mangled Jiraiya, the blonde jinchuuriki was starting to feel bored. Also, his arm was getting sore. Thus, he being Naruto, he decided to give the pervert one last 'gentle' prod.

"SENNEN GOROSHI!"

"AAA_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA__**AAAAAAAA**__**AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**_

-----

"Looks like I won." Tsunade said with a smirk as she watched Jiraiya fly by her window, screaming in pain. She looked on in fond irritation as the author of _Icha Icha_ Paradise—and the rest of the _Icha Icha_ series—smacked into the stone face of their late sensei, cutting off his yelling. She then turned to face her companion. "Pay up." 

"Buwhee." Tonton squealed in reply. The Godaimes eyes widened, then narrowed.

"What do you mean you don't have any money?! I—_HEY, GET BACK HERE! __**SOMEBODY STOP THAT PIG!"**_

-------

"Alright, brat, what do you want?" Jiraiya growled as he rubbed his aching rear—and winced as the rest of his body ached in protest of the movement, causing yet another wince, and another, and so on (A/N: And on, and on, and on… just like the energizer bunny!).

"What do babies eat?" Naruto asked immediately, getting straight to the point. Unfortunately, Jiraiya had been muttering something about 'overly loud, stupid blondes' and only caught the words 'do babies.' He paled, remembering the last question involving those two words that Naruto had asked him.

Flashback: 14 years earlier… 

"_Oi, Ero-sennin! Where do babies come from?"_

_Being Jiraiya, he had answered the question in a way few others would have, and fewer still would have wanted to answer it. And Naruto, being Naruto, hadn't taken it too well._

_Well, unless you consider him sprouting tails made of the kyuubi's charka and nearly destroying the entire town—including the hapless pervert—a good thing._

"Oi, Ero-sennin!" Jiraiya twitched. "I asked you what babies ate!"

Jiraiya relaxed, then winced again as his body started hurting again. He looked over at the blonde in annoyance. "How the heck am I supposed to know?" 

"You're old!" Naruto answered intelligently. Jiraiya hit him on the head and stalked off, back towards the hot springs.

"Well, you are!" The blonde shouted after his departing teacher.

------

A/N: And here's a bonus scene that I couldn't put into the chapter but I still wanted to post anyways. This took place before Naruto found Jiraiya but after he woke up.

------

Naruto stared at the scene before him, his blue eyes wide with terror. A collage of baby food, vomit, and several other bodily products that he did NOT want to identify decorated the walls. The floor was similarly carpeted, much to his disgust. Only two of the youngest babies still wore their diapers. And the smell was indescribable. It was so bad, that Naruto was knocked unconscious.

After he woke up, he forced himself to get to work. He had to get the kids back into diapers before the mess could get any worse… then he could run away in terror at the thought of actually _cleaning_ it.

The closest child was the eldest, Himi. She reminded him of her mother… until he saw her face. She was always wearing an all-too familiar evil smirk—if it was possible for a two-year-old to smirk—the smirk that he himself had often worn during his prankster days.

As he advanced on her with a diaper, she merely giggled and ran off. That continued for over a half hour before Naruto managed to catch her.

And when he did, he realized something. Something that he hadn't realized before.

"…I have no idea what to do." He said flatly, his gaze alternating between the diaper and Himi.

_**He had no idea how to put on a diaper.**_

"It can't be that hard… right, dattebayo?" He asked the little girl, who merely smirked evilly.

Naruto sighed, and got to work.

----

Five minutes later, he looked at what he had done and sweatdropped. Even he knew that diapers didn't go on the wearers' head.

---

"Finally!" Naruto sighed in relief, resisting the urge to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He knew all too well where his hands had been.

He turned around, eager to wash up after the horror that he had just overgone.

_**BOOM!!**_

He blinked and turned around, staring at the slightly singed but overall uninjured girl, who blinked and stared back. 

"Did I do something wrong?" He wondered out loud, unsure of how he could have made a diaper_ explode_.

Himi shrugged.

-----

"Perfect!" And it was. Naruto was nearly sobbing in joy at the sight of the diaper being worn by Himi…

And then _it fell off._

He did cry, then.

----

A/N: This chapter takes place the day after the last, in case anyone was wondering. Also, it's day one out of seven, since I'm not counting the last chapter as part of the week.

If I make any mistakes regarding the behavior or development of the babies, please remember that I'm just a high school student and that I have little experience with that sort of thing. Most of the information I have on this topic comes from the internet.

Please review? Reviews inspire me. With inspiration such as that reviews grant me, I write faster.


	3. Day Three: Baby Food

A/N: Alright, so it's Day Two of Baby Boom, and I bet you're all mad at me for taking so long with this, right? I'm really, really, _really_ sorry about that.

Finals are next week, so I haven't had as much time to write as I would have liked. Plus, I was afflicted by writers block Friday, which is when I had been planning to write the chapter…

Well, anyways, since it was so late, I made this chapter a bit longer than usual. I hope that you enjoy it.

And a note for Sasuke fans: I don't think of Uchiha's that way. The Neji in this fanfic is extremely stuck up in that he views Uchiha's as inferior to him—or rather, as half-breed Hyuugas, since the Uchiha Clan and Hyuuga Clan were once one and the same. I'll probably have Sasuke find out and kick his butt later, so don't threaten to kick mine, okay?

And as for Neji fans: I said _PROBABLY_! PROBABLY, so can you guys not threaten me until I decide for sure? Please?

* * *

"Uzumaki Naruto…" Neji began, his pale eyes narrowed as he watched the blonde jinchuuriki. To see Naruto in a supermarket was very unusual, especially when all he was doing was staring at a shelf. "…What the heck are you doing?"

Naruto blinked tiredly at the jonin. It said a lot about his current state that it took him over a full minute to recognize Neji…

"Oh, hi teme…" He greeted with a yawn.

…And even more that he mistook him for one of his teammates.

Neji was caught between (a) jyuukening Naruto into oblivion for daring to mistake him for an _Uchiha_—he was a Hyuuga, not one of those common-blooded wannabes!— (b) banging his head against a wall, or (c) sweatdropping. Since he was too dignified for the latter two, and doing the former would get him yelled at by first Tsunade, then Temari, then Ino, then beaten up—er, chastised by Sakura when she returned (Yes, chastised… even if a pink haired woman could hurt him, he'd never admit it.), and then_ Tenten_ would get a chance with him.

He didn't shudder at the memory of what had happened last time. Oh, no, he was much to aloof for that. He didn't even sweat at the recollections.

The wetness was just from that thunderstorm outside.

Really.

"Gomen, but I'm kind of…" He trailed off, and swayed slightly. Neji's eyebrows shot up when he started snoring.

"Uzumaki…"

The blonde kept on snoring. Neji rolled his eyes, and was about to walk away, when Naruto suddenly gave a little giggle. Neji once again resisted the urge to sweatdrop.

"Yeah, I'd like that Hinata …"

The jonin froze at that name, and turned back to face the jinchuuriki.

"Naruto?"

"Ha… Tenten…. that tickles…" Neji's anger activated his Byakugan, and, when he spoke—or rather, bellowed—again, nearly fifty people ran out of the store in terror, about a dozen people fainted, and seven more had heart attacks and had to be rushed to the hospital, where Tsunade took a break from her duties as Hokage (which, for her, included getting drunk, getting drunker, drinking herself into a state of unconciousness, napping while using her paperwork as a pillow, and being pestered by Shizune about her paperwork.) to heal them.

Well, most of them. Jiraiya had been faking it to get a better look at Tsunade's… assets. Needless to say, he wasn't falsifying his injuries for much longer.

"Can I get back to yelling now?" Neji asked, looking up at the ceiling in annoyance.

A brick suddenly came out of nowhere and hit the jonin on the head, possibly due to a certain wall he had broken (You know, the fourth one?). He swayed for a moment before catching sight of the snoozing Naruto and remembering that he was supposed to be yelling at him.

"_**UZUMAKI!!"**_

_"GAAAAH!"_ The blonde cried, toppling over and hitting his head on the floor. This time, Neji actually did sweatdrop.

"Ow…" Naruto moaned, rubbing his head. He glared up at the Hyuuga. "What'd you do that for, Lee? And where'd that huge bump on your head come from?"

"Uzumaki…" Neji growled, red-faced from the effort it took not to strangle his ally. "…When was the last time you slept?"

"Um…" The blonde frowned thoughtfully. "I'm not sure…"

Neji's eyes widened slightly—not that he was concerned, or worried, or anything like that. He was too cool to be any of those.

"I'd have to say…right now…" And with that, he curled up on the floor and went back to sleep. A vein twitched in Neji's forehead.

"_**UZUMAKI!**__**"**_ The Hyuuga roared. "GET UP OR SO HELP ME, _I'LL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!"_

"_AAAAAAAHHHH!!"_ Naruto screamed, now awake and running around in a manner similar to a chicken with its head cut off. "ANKO'S AFTER ME!!_**HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL**__**LLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!**__**"**_

"Darnit, Naruto!" Neji grabbed him by his jacket, his byakugan making him appear even angrier than he was. "Do I _look_ like that crazed kunoichi?!"

Naruto stared at him, his mouth hanging open slightly. His eyes were wide, and—much to Neji's shock—tearing up. "Chiyo-baachan?"

The Hyuuga dropped him, his horror deactivating his byakugan. First, he had been mistaken for an Uchiha. Then, for a certifiably insane—according to rumor, that is. He would never have dared Lee to give her a mental health test when she had agreed to go out on a date with Gai. And he certainly wouldn't have huddled in a corner while Anko set her snakes on his aforementioned teammate, either—kunoichi. Now, Naruto thought he was a deceased woman who couldn't have been under eighty years old when she had died.

Not to mention the fact that the dumb blonde had married both his teammate—who Neji had once harbored a very large crush on—and his cousin—who Neji considered a little sister.

Before Neji could (a) explode, (b) murder/maim/strangle Naruto, or (c) break down and start crying, Naruto had started to snore yet again. So, Neji did the only thing left for him to do: bang his head on a nearby wall.

* * *

"What are you doing here, Naruto?" Neji asked when he was sure that the blonde was awake—and that he would stay that way, at least for a while.

"I have no idea."

"Then maybe you should go home and take care of your family." Neji offered, in a tone that was rarely used when making requests. Naruto's eyes widened.

"Wait, that's what I was doing!" He shouted, jumping up.

"You brought twelve children _here_?!" Neji shrieked, leaping to his feet as well. He lifted Naruto several inches into the air by his jacket. "And you fell _asleep_?!"

"No!" Naruto yelped. "Even I'm not _that_ stupid!"

Silence.

Neji stared at Naruto with a raised eyebrow. Naruto stared back blankly, and an entire two minutes passed in that manner before the blond realized something.

"Wait…" Naruto muttered. "That didn't come out right..."

"If they aren't here, then what are you doing here?" Neji asked, changing the subject.

"Getting baby food." Naruto gestured to a shopping cart full of ramen. Overflowing with it, really.

"Baka." Neji dropped the jinchuuriki, who landed on his rear end with a yelp of pain. "Babies—especially _Hyuuga_ babies—don't eat _ramen_."

"They don't?" Naruto's eyes were wide with shock. "Then what do they eat?"

"Don't think about it." Neji said with a sigh, not about to let the blonde know that he himself had no idea whatsoever. "Just get a babysitter already."

"I already did." The blonde said proudly. "Lee's watching them."

Once again, there was only silence. One could have heard a pin drop.

"Lee?!" Neji finally managed to squeak—a very unusual sound for a Hyuuga to make. _"LEE?!"_

"Hai." Naruto replied, confusion written all over his face. "Is that bad?"

Neji took off running, hoping against hope that there was still time to save the children of his teammate and his cousin.

* * *

"Next time…" Neji hissed, shoving a happily giggling blond baby with a bowl-cut at Naruto, while Lee watched dejectedly from a corner. "Ask Hiashi-sama or Hanabi-sama to watch them."

And with that, he stomped off, ignoring the young voices shouting "YOSH!" and "YOUTH!" and, in one case, "SPANDEX MINE!"

Yes, he definitely did his best to ignore the last one, focusing only on what would occur when Naruto took his advice.

When Naruto knocked on the door of the Hyuuga home later that day, Hiashi took one look at him and did what Neji had hoped he would—he jyuukened him into a state of unconciousness and had to be physically restrained by Hanabi to keep him from doing worse (he hadn't taken Naruto and Hinata's marriage well, to say the least.).

And when her father had calmed down, Hanabi literally kicked Naruto out (She hadn't taken the marraige much better than her father had.).

Let it never be said that Hyuuga Neji wasn't vengeful, cruel, or even downright evil at times. He just kept it from showing around people who could (a) yell at him incessantly, (b) punch him through a wall, or (c) throw very sharp, very pointy, very dangerous metallic objects at him and laugh at the same time.

* * *

"Deidera."

The nukenin swore as he dropped the clay bird he had been working on. He whirled around, intent on glaring and yelling at the idiot who had interrupted his artistry (or, if it had been Tobi, pummeling the masked man half to death). "Hey, what's the—oh."

As he recognized the ever-shadowed and mysterious figure of the Leader of Akatsuki, Deidera could swear that his life flashed before his eyes. "Um… Ohaiyo, Leader-sama, un…"

"Get Tobi. I've got a mission for you two." The Leader said bluntly, tossing the former Iwa-nin a slightly wrinkled copy of the Konoha Gazette (the evening edition). Specifically, the help wanted section of the paper. "You'll find all of the information you'll need in there."

Curious, Deidera scanned the sheet. His eyes briefly widened as they lighted upon a certain ad.

"Babysitting?" He practically yelped. "That's not funny, un."

"It's not meant to be." The Leader said as he walked off. He paused suddenly, looking back over his shoulder at the blonde. "You'll need to go in disguise, of course. That outfit that Kisame bought for Itachi should work fine."

"You mean the one that got Itachi to stick him in Tsukiyomi for a week?" Deidera said slowly, staring at the Akatsuki Leader in absolute shock—and no slight amount of fear. "That _thing_?!"

"The very same." Leader replied, his voice taking on a slightly malicious tone as he went back to walking away. He smirked as Deidera let out a scream like that of a wounded animal. "Have fun!"

* * *

A/N: Can anyone guess what that _thing _is? If not, then you'll find out next chapter.

Once again, I'm sorry for being late this week (I'll try to get the next chapter out this weekend, but with finals, there's no guarantee.). I hope that you'll forgive me and still review this chapter.

Come one, you know you want to. That little button in the lower left hand corner of the page is just begging you to push it, isn't it?

Next time: Tobi and Deidera arrive in Konoha, Naruto interviews babysitters, and a certain pair of brother-in-laws show up.


	4. Day Four: Babysitters and InLaws

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I don't own South Park, either. I do, however, own Friends. No, wait… nevermind. I don't own Friends either.

A/N: Sorry for being so late with this! It's the longest chapter to date, though, so I hope that you enjoy it. If you've seen Friends, then you'll probably remember the part I based the flashback on. And it shouldn't be too hard to spot the South Park reference.

You'll have noticed that the rating of the story has gone up somewhat. That's for character death and a bit of swearing, all of which is in this chapter. I don't think anybody will be upset at the first, though (I apologize in advance to anybody that does find it offensive.).

-----

_What did I do to deserve this? _Naruto wailed silently as the cruelest of his father-in-laws smirked. He had always thought of Ino's father as a rather easy going sort of guy… but then he had married the blonde kunoichi. _Oh, right, _that_ was what I did…_

"What makes you think that you could possibly have what it takes to babysit my grandsons?" Yamanaka Inoichi snarled—er, asked—his newest victim—make that applicant. Naruto coughed slightly. "Oh, and the rest of my daughters husbands children."

"I don't really care." The dark-haired, pasty-faced girl answered as she applied some black eyeshadow.

"Next."

"Whatever." The goth replied as she put the makeup away. "As I said, I don't really care about this job anyways. I just came because my mother made me."

Naruto buried his head in his hands as the less than disappointed teenager left the room. A girl whose weight had to be less than what was healthy hurried in.

"Like, hi!" She squealed by way of greeting. The blonde winced and moved his hands to cover his ears. "I'm, like, Jen Eric Kerry! Like, I'm _so_ honored to be like, considered for—"

"Next." The man sitting beside Naruto interrupted, shuffling through his papers.

"Like, huh?" Jen sputtered in confusion.

"I said 'next.'" The older blonde clarified, raising a thin eyebrow to regard the hapless girl. "Or are you deaf as well as hopelessly inadequate?"

Jen burst into tears, running towards the door. Unfortunately for her, she didn't look at where she was going and ended up running into the wall.

_**BAM!!**_

Twice.

The next girl entered. Before she could even say a word, Inoichi had dismissed her. Naruto was only slightly surprised as he looked over at the other blonde. "What the heck was wrong with her? She didn't even say anything!"

"She smelled like smoke." The Yamanaka said flatly. Naruto blinked.

"Oh."

"_That_," Inoichi said, in a patronizing tone, "is why I am the father, and you are the stupid, irritating son-in-law in _way_ over his head."

The Yamanaka turned to question the current babysitter candidate, eventually dismissing her and calling for the next one. He spared a glance at Naruto, who appeared to be deep in thought. _Wait for it…_

"HEY!"

"Okay…" Inoichi trailed off as the new applicant entered the room, his eyes widening as he took in her appearance. Naruto forgot all about yelling at his father-in-law for insulting him. All that either man could think about was the gorgeous girl in front of them.

Her eyes—one of which was a dark gray like those of the Uchiha Clan, and the other was a very pale lilac similar to those of the Hyuuga's—seemed to sparkle with a power far beyond that which was possessed by either clan. Her pure white hair—the color of which reminded them of newly fallen snow—seemed to float upon a non-existant breeze. She looked more like a supermodel than anything else, but even that was an insult to her beauty. She was garbed in a breathtaking, obviously expensive azure silk kimono, with birds embroidered on it with real silver thread and jewels.

Looking at her, both men forgot that they had ever _met_ any other girls, much less married them. They didn't even care that she was only a mere sixteen years of age. As they stared at her, speechless, she bowed gracefully.

"Uh…" Naruto answered, drooling slightly.

"…Hi…" Inoichi said, giggling in an almost drunken way.

"Konichiwa." She greeted them, her voice more melodious than that of any bird. "I hope that I am not too late for the position?"

"Position?" Naruto repeated. She giggled, the sound so wonderous that both men began sobbing from it.

"You know!" She said, oblivious to their tears. "The one mentioned in the Helped Wanted add."

"I'm the fourth sannin. You've probably never heard of me because Orochimaru imprisoned me years ago." She explained. "You see, I was so powerful that he was afraid that I would destroy him and stop all of his evil plans before they could come to fruition. I've got super strength like Tsunade and medical skills much better than hers, millions of S-Ranked Jutsu that nobody else knows, and a cursed seal that I can control completely without worrying about it corrupting me and making me into Orochimaru's servant. I'm also the long-lost younger sister of Sasuke and Itachi, and I've got both the Byakugan and the Sharingan. I'm also the host of the hundred-tailed phoenix, the most powerful Bijou to ever live, which was why everyone hated me growing up. When I was a little girl I lived in another world called 'Earth,' where the events of this world are a television show, and I came here to help save the world."

"My name…" She paused for dramatic effect. "…Is Mary Sue."

"_TOBI IS A __**GOOD **__**BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!"**_

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Mary Sue whirled around, just in time for a certain masked member of Akatsuki to crash into her and sent her flying into the wall, which was covered in very sharp and dangerous looking spikes that had seemingly appeared out of thin air mere moments before. A final, heartrending scream was torn from the girl as the spikes pierced her body. Somehow, she was still alive when a horde of rabid nin-dogs stampeded into the room. They tore her to bits, apparently unaware of her agonized wailing.

"What happened?" Naruto moaned as the screaming finally died down. "I feel like I was run over by a tank…"

"What the heck's a tank?" Inoichi asked, rubbing his temples.

"I have no idea…" The younger blonde answered.

"Hey, who are you two?" His father-in-law asked, noticing the newcomers. Naruto squinted, trying to see past the tears clouding his vision. He managed to make out a frilly pink dress, and his eyes widened.

"I know! You're the babysitters, right?"

"Yeah. We're the babysitters, un." Deidera said with a smirk. _Phase one of the mission is accomplished, un…_

He really hoped that the rest of the assignment would be as easy. The sooner he finished, after all, the sooner he and Tobi could got out of their disguises. _The less said about Tobi in a tutu, the better._

-----

He was free! Finally, after three days of getting his hair pulled, changing diapers, and getting thrown up on, he was _free!_ _FREE, __**FREE, **__**FREE!!**_

Naruto's feet barely touch the ground as he headed towards Ichiraku's for a celebratory dinner, comprised of his favorite ramen. He hadn't felt this happy since Inoji was born. Nothing could possibly ruin his day now.

"Uzumaki."

"Curse you, Murphy's Law!" Naruto screamed, running away as fast as he could. "CURSE _YOOOOUUUUUUU!!"_

He slipped on a discarded banana peel, which caused him to slide into a nearby empty alley. Specifically, into a group of trashcans arranged in a triangular formation, causing all but two of them to go flying. The garbage-covered blonde looked at sole remaining pair and screamed shrilly.

"NOT THE _SEVEN-TEN SPLIT!!"_ He wailed. _"ANYTHING BUT THE __**SEVEN-TEN SPLIT!!**_ _**NOOOOOOOOOO!!"**_

"SAVE ME, GAARA!" Naruto screamed, hiding behind the red-head. _"SAVE MEEEEE!!"_

"…"

"_AAAAAHHHHHH!!!_" Naruto screamed shrilly, causing Gaara's sand to form a pair of earplugs to protect his hearing. "GAARA'S GOING TO KILL ME!!"

"Uzumaki Naruto." The Kazekage said with a sigh. "Do you take me for someone as stupid as you?"

"No, I take you for someone who tried to kill me the last time he saw me…" Naruto answered, then blinked. "_HEY_! Did you just insult me or something?!"

"I didn't try to kill you." Gaara said, arching a non-existant eyebrow as he changed the subject—and odd sight, to say the least. He thought back to their last encounter, over two years ago…

"Well, here it is." Kankuro said, opening the door. "A new place for a new Kankuro! I'm going to have you and all the guys from work over when it's furnished."

"_Guys from work?" Gaara asked, raising an eyebrow. His brother visibly deflated.  
_

"_Okay, just Temari…" He admitted. _

"_Speaking of which, where is she?" _

"_She said that she had to stay home and…" Kankuro trailed off, his eyes widening as he caught sight of something past his brother. "What? No… but what…WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"_

_Gaara turned around, just in time to see…_

"_GET OFF MY SISTER!"_

_(Five minutes later)  
_

"_NARUTO!" Kankuro roared, running up the stairs towards Temari's apartment. _"NARUTO!"

**"NARUTO!"** _He tried to open the door, only to find it locked by a chain. In the apartment, Naruto sat up too quickly, banging his head against Temari's chin. "I saw what you were doing through the window! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE **DOING TO MY SISTER! ****NOW GET OUT HERE!!"**_

_"Well, listen, we had a good run…" Naruto said hurriedly to Temari as he zipped his fly. "What was it? Four, five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So goodbye, take care, bye-bye now!"_

_He gave her a quick kiss and rushed towards the window. Temari followed, confused. "What are you doing?"_

_"Oh, I'm going on the lam." Her lover answered nervously, unlatching the window._

_"Come on, it's just Kankuro." Temari assured him. " Gaara doesn't know…"_

_"Gaara doesn't know about what, sister?" An all-too familiar, all-too menacing voice hissed from behind them. Naruto squeaked and lunged for the window, only to be pulled back by a tendril of sand._

_"Gaara…" Temari began, laughing nervously. "Fancy seeing you here…"_

_He glared at her, his eyes glowing gold instead of their usual teal. Then, he shifted his murderous glare to the helpless blonde caught in his Sabaku Kyuu. Temari paled._

_"Gaara, calm down…" She begged. "Don't do anything that you might regret!"_

_"I wouldn't regret this." He replied, raising a hand. "Sabaku ky—"_

_"**NARUTO!!" **The door shattered as Kankuro finally managed to break through, startling the trio inside. The sand collapsed, and Naruto darted to cower behind the only shelter he could think of._

_"WHAT THE **HECK ARE ****YOU DOING?!"**_

_"I should think that would have been obvious." Gaara snarled, regaining his composure. "He was doing—"_

_"Don't remind me!" Kankuro yelped, covering his ears and glaring at Naruto."I thought you were our friend! Gaara's best friend!"_

_"Only friend, really." Temari put in._

_"Not helping, 'Mari-chan." Naruto hissed. He 'eeped' and ducked back behind her when the killing intent from the two male Sand Siblings intensified._

_"I cannot believe this!" Kankuro growled, turning to face Gaara. "Your best friend and our sister!"_

_"He's not my friend." The Kazekage growled, his sand shifting furiously at his feet. "He's my prey!"_

_"Look we're not just messing around here!" Temari said angrily. "I love him!"_

_"And I love her!" Naruto added, inching out from behind the kunoichi. "Trust me, I've fallen in love with and married four other women, so I know when it's the real deal!"_

_"Not helping, Naruto." Temari interrupted as, once again, her brothers' bloodlust grew. She quickly tried to placate them. "We love each other… we're sorry you had to find out this way, but that doesn't change the truth."_

_She reached out and grabbed her brothers' hands. The two exchanged looks…_

_"Your best friend and our sister!" Kankuro bawled, embracing Temari happily._

_"My best friend and my sister…" Gaara repeated, smiling slightly. Naruto relaxed…_

_…Then started screaming shrilly as, once again, sand rose to engulf him._

_(END FLASHBACK)_

There was awkward silence, punctuated only the by the chirping of crickets. Naruto shuddered beneath the renewed onslaught of killing intent from the Kazekage.

"I won't kill you." Gaara finally decided. "I want to, but then I'd have to deal with Temari and the rest of your family shrieking at me. Besides, you stink right now, and I've got negotiations with the Hokage in an hour."

The blonde sagged against the wall in relief.

"But that's not why I came." The red-haired jinchuriiki continued. "Have you seen Kankuro? I sent him here a few days ago to warn you."

"Um…"

_(FLASHBACK)_

_"Hey, Naruto, I—"_

_"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! KANKURO'S GOING TO KILL ME!!"_

_"No, you moron, I'm here to—"_

**BAM!!**

_"…Omigod, I killed Kankuro!"_

_"…You… bastard…"_

_(END FLASHBACK)_

"Nope, I haven't seen him!" Naruto said, laughing nervously. "I certainly didn't accidently kill him because I thought that he you had ordered him to assassinate me! Now, where would you come up with an idea like that from?"

"I didn't." Gaara said simply. "You did."

"Um…" Naruto thought quickly. "No, I didn't?"

The Kazekage rolled his eyes, but went on. "I sent him to warn you. Akatsuki's been seen in this area recently."

"Akatsuki?" Naruto said, shocked. His eyes narrowed as he considered the new information. "Akatsuki means Itachi… and Itachi means…"

"**SASUKE!!" **

-----

Meanwhile, on the other side of Konoha, Sasuke sneezed. That caused him to close his eyes briefly, making him miss the branch he had been jumping onto as he fled a mob of his fangirls. That, unfortunately for the Uchiha, dropped him right into their clutches.

-----

While Naruto screamed about Sasuke and how he was going to bring him back—even though he had already brought the avenger back years ago—Gaara decided that now would be a good time to leave. He couldn't help but think that he had forgotten something, though…

-----

"Ow… what hit me?" Kankuro groaned, sitting upright and rubbing the huge bump on his head. He looked around, and his eyes widened.

"Who… who are you?" He asked, groping for his puppet-summoning scrolls, which had been taken from him. The figure, their face masked by shadow, stepped forward silently. "Wait, stay back… don't come any closer…"

_"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"_

-----

A/N: Twice as many reviews for the last chapter? Maybe I should be this late more often…

I'm kidding!

Once again, please tell me what you think of this story so far. I've finally gotten the plot moving, so it's not just crack anymore (there's still crack, of course, but it's just not the only thing…).


	5. Day Five: Staring Contests and Spinning

Disclaimer: I still don't own Naruto. But one day… one day…

A/N: Happy belated Fourth of July!

I've got good news and bad news. I'll be going to a college preparation thing in Denver (I'll get to see the Rocky Mountains!) for three weeks, starting in five minutes. The good news is that I'm pretty sure that I'll have access to a PC there. The bad news is, I'm not sure how often or for how long, or if I'll be able to go online. So it's all too likely that I'll be a bit later than usual with the next chapter.

* * *

"He. Will. _Pay, _un" 

"Who will, Deidara-sempai?" Tobi queried as he bounced Kohaku on his knee. The blonde artist gave him a half-incredulous, half-exasperated, and half-bloodthirsty look.

"Leader-sama, you half-wit." Deidara growled in reply.

"Who?" Tobi—who had been too busy pondering how something could have three halves to listen to his partner—asked.

"I said, Leader-sama, un!" Deidara barked, causing Tobi to jump. Kohaku clapped his hands happily at the larger-than-usual bounce.

"Oh." The masked nin said, nodding in understanding. Then, he paused thoughtfully. "…why?"

"Because he put us in _dresses_, you baka!" Deidara yelled, his fingers twitching as he tried to think up a way to strangle his partner without getting in trouble. The mouths on his hands started drooling as he pursued this train, and he discreetely wiped them on his disguise before anyone noticed.

"Tobi is _not_ a baka!" Tobi protested indignantly. Deidara snorted incredulously.

Gently putting the baby on the ground, Tobi went into a pose that the blonde recalled seeing a man in green spandex perform while they were waiting in line with the rest of the babysitter applicants. Several of the infants perked up, and one—a blonde with a bowl cut—tried to mimic the stance. "TOBI IS A _GOOD BOY!_"

"Tobi is _not_ a good boy." The former Iwa-nin retorted. Tobi let out a shocked gasp. "Tobi is an imbecile, un."

"Tobi… is not a good boy?" The masked nin repeated, his voice shaking as he tried to digest the new information. "Tobi… is an… an…"

He blinked behind the mask, then looked over at the blonde. "Sempai, what did you say that Tobi was?"

"An imbecile, you imbecile." Deidara paused. "Un."

"Tobi is… an imbecile, you imbecile, un?" Tobi finished. Deidara slapped his forehead in exasperation, then a look of pain spread across his features.

"…sempai?" His partner asked cautiously. As though his voice had been the chakra to trigger on of the blonde's many sculptures, Tobi's voice set Deidara off.

"Get it off me!" He screamed, running around wildly with the mouth on his palm biting down on his forehead. "GETITOFF_GETITOFF__**GETIT**__**OFF!**_"

"Deidara-sempai!" Tobi shouted, trying to grab his partner. "I'll save you!"

_**RIP!!**_

"Um…" Tobi blinked at the hank of blond hair in his hand. He then looked at Deidara, whose shrieks of pain had doubled. "…Oops?"

* * *

"We should have done this _years_ ago." Sakura declared with a contented sigh. She stretched out on the beach chair, her eyes closed as she enjoyed the feel of the suns rays on her body. 

"Come on, Forehead-girl." Ino said from the pool. "Naruto's not the brightest guy around, sure, but he's sweet."

"I know that, Ino-pig!" Sakura retorted, opening her eyes to glare at her rival. "I mean, I've been married to him longer than you have! Its just, well…"

"The woes of a working mom?" Temari supplied. The pink-haired woman nodded, and all three wives shared a tired sigh.

"I wonder how they're all doing…" Sakura murmured quietly, almost to herself.

"The kids are fine." Temari assured her. "Naruto can use Kage Bunshin, or hire a babysitter if it gets to be too much for him."

"But still…" Ino began. "Aren't you worried? I mean, it's been five days now… can't we call him? Just to check in?"

"_No_." The former Suna-nin answered sternly. "Sure, I'm worried. But I—hey, you!"

The kid cleaning the pool blinked, pointing at himself and mouthing "who, me?" Temari rolled her eyes. "Yes, _you! _Get me a lemonade, would you?"

"But I'm just a—"

"Did I _ask_ for your life story?" She growled. "Or did I _tell_ you to get me a lemonade?"

The boy "eeped!" and ran off, stumbling in his haste to get away. The blonde smirked evilly, while Ino and Sakura exchanged slightly nervous looks. It was then that Ino noticed something.

"Hey, where's Hinata?" She asked, looking around. "And Tenten, for that matter?"

"You know, that's a really good question." Sakura commented thoughtfully. "Ino-pig." She added, almost as an afterthought.

"What was that, _Billboard-brow?_" Ino snarled.

"You heard me, _Oinker!_" The pink-haired medic retorted. As the pair began to shout at each other—as they had done more than a dozen times in the last half an hour—Temari cheerfully accepted a glass of lemonade… only to pour it over the hapless pool boys head.

"_BAKA!_" The kunoichi roared. "There's no ice in this! How can you expect me to drink lemonade WITHOUT _ICE?!_"

"I-I-I—" Unable to think of anything else, he flung himself at Temari's feet. "I'm _sorry!_ So, so _sorry!_ PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!"

"You're not worth the effort, you sniveling little worm." The blonde sneered, then cackled evilly. Ino and Sakura stopped arguing and stared. "Cower before me! _COWER_, I SAY!!"

* * *

"Oh, Tenten…" 

"Hinata…"

"Lower… Oh, yes! Yes, _yes, YES!_"

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Tenten asked, smirking slightly.

"I… oh, wow." Hinata closed her eyes in ecstasy. "Where did you learn to give such amazing massages?"

"Neji."

"Neji-niisan?" The dark-haired girl twisted on the massage table to stare at her surprise masseuse._ "Really?_"

"Yep." Tenten replied smugly, her smirk growing. "It's great blackmail, isn't it?"

"You have no idea." Hinata answered, wearing an expression identical to Tentens.

* * *

"ACHOO!" 

"Yatta!" Naruto shouted triumphantly. "I win!"

"What the—no!" Neji protested. He couldn't shake the feeling of impending doom that had fallen upon him at the same time as the sneeze, so he forced himself to ignore it. "I didn't—"

"Gomen, Hyuuga." The blonde said, although he didn't sound apologetic. "But you know the rules. You blinked first, so you have to pay for the ramen!"

"But… but…" Neji visibly wilted as he failed to think of a way to escape. It didn't help that Naruto had started to… well; it _could_ be described as dancing victoriously, if only barely. Sure, Naruto was doing it victoriously enough, but it wasn't really what Neji would call _dancing_.

_Kami-sama, _please_ kill me._ The Hyuuga prayed silently, turning slightly green as he watched the blonde. Then, he blinked. _No, wait, don't! Kill _him!

"And people say _I'm_ a slow learner." Naruto commented. He sat back down, much to Neji's relief. "This is, what, the fifth time I've beaten you in a staring contest?"

"Third." Neji growled. He remembered the first two times all to well…

_

* * *

_

"_YATTA!" Naruto yelled happily. Neji stared, dumbfounded, as the blonde broke into a horrifyingly bad victory dance. _

I need to gouge my eyes out. _The Hyuuga decided. He blinked as something suddenly occurred to him. _Scratch that. I need to gouge _his_ eyes out.

"_Okay, Neji!" Naruto began exuberantly. "Since you lost, you have to do whatever I say for the rest of the day!" _

"_Hn…" The jonin growled, unable to bring himself to admit that he had lost. "What do you want?"_

"_You…" The blonde said dramatically, pointing a finger at Neji. "…Are going to help me convince Hinata's dad to let me marry her!"_

_The silence was broken only by the sound of crickets chirping._

"…_what did you say?" The Hyuuga asked, his voice quiet and empty of emotion._

"_I said that you…" Naruto once again pointed at him. "…Are going to help me convince Hinata's dad to let me marry her!"_

"_That's what I thought you said." Neji murmered, closing his eyes. When he opened them, the Byakugan had been activated. Naruto gulped. "And for that, you will _die!_"_

* * *

"YATTA!" _Naruto shouted once again, before proceeding into his terrible rendition of a victory dance. Neji just looked around longingly, hoping to find a spork to use to gouge his eyes out. _

"_What do you want this time?" He asked, causing the blonde to trip over his own feet. _

"_Well, you see…" Naruto seemed suddenly nervous. "…you know I've been dating Tenten, ne?"  
_

"_Hn." Neji assented reluctantly._

"_Can you help me pick out a really nice ring for her?" The blonde finished in a rush._

"…_Why?" The Jonin asked. _

"_Well, duh! Because I'm going to propose!" _

_Utter silence. The crickets all ran away in terror from the killing intent that Neji was releasing. Naruto took a step back, growing pale. "Uh… Neji? Daijoubu?"_

"You…_" The Hyuuga growled, activating the Byakugan. "__**…**_**DIE!!**_"_

_

* * *

__  
At least now, there's nobody left for him to marry…_Neji mused, recalling the wounds that he had given Naruto during those incidents gleefully. 

Resigning himself to his fate, he turned to face Tenzou. "That was thirty bowls of miso, ne?"

"Try fourty." The old chef answer sympathetically. "And seven bowls of shoyu."

Neji cursed fate for turning against him yet again. _Maybe I should start believing in karma…_

* * *

"Tobi is a good boy!" 

"Just shut up, un!" Deidara snarled as he massaged his forehead—although he was careful to keep his palms away from it. He glared at his reflection in the mirror, mourning the loss of his hair. "This is your fault for being such an imbecile, un!"

"Oh, right…" Tobi wilted. "Tobi is not a good boy…"

"We need to get going." Deidara said, glancing out the window at the setting sun. "Tobi! Grab some diapers, un."

"Tobi is an imbecile…" The masked nin repeated.

"Tobi!" The blonde repeated, slightly louder.

"An imbecile…"

"TOBI!"

"… not a good boy…"

"_**TOBI!**__" _Deidara bellowed. He winced as his voice set off a dozen others, who had been sleeping like… well, like babies. Over the racket, he repeated. "Grab the damn diapers so that we can get this mission over with, un! They're in the second cabinet to the left."

Still sniffling, Tobi stoop up and walked towards his left. "Not your left, my left!"

He walked forwards. "I said left, un!

Backwards. "LEFT!"

Tobi started to spin around… and around… and around. Deidara started getting dizzy just watching him. "Don't you know… which way… left… is…. un…?"

And with that, the blonde fell to the ground, unconscious.

* * *

Did you like it? If so, you know what to do (HINT: Look at the pretty blue button at the bottom of the screen). 


	6. Day Six, Morning: Broken Fourth Walls

Disclaimer: I do own Naruto! See? -drags out a bound and gagged blonde.-

Sasuke: You don't own Naruto… and do I even _want_ to know why you've tied Ino up?

Kitsuru: No, not really. But you're about to find out anyways. -unties Ino-

Ino: SASUKE-KUN!! -Sasuke pales and runs off, with Ino close behind.-

I'm really sorry that this took so long to get out. I wrote it while I was in Denver, but I wasn't able to get on a computer long enough to type it. And since I've gotten home, I've been pretty busy. My parents think that I'm working on homework for AP Lit right now.

I don't think that colorblindness is funny, and I hope that nobody was offended my mention of it in this chapter.

Okay, I've got one more thing to say before the chapter starts: Day six will be divided into three (maybe two, but most likely three) chapters.

And now, I should probably get Sasuke back… he's in this chapter. Not to mention that Shikamaru's giving me the laziest evil-eye that I've ever seen…

* * *

It was quiet. At any other time, he would have said that it was too quiet; but it wasn't. It was perfect, and he had a feeling that it would be staying that way. 

"Naruto…"

Crap. He jinxed it.

"Naruto."

He buried his head beneath his pillow. His nice, soft, _quiet_ pillow…

"Naruto!"

…Although it did make it kind of hard to breathe. But at least if he couldn't see them, then they wouldn't be able to see him.

Or so he thought. (A/N: Fear Naruto's IQ—or lack thereof—before he's fully awake!)

"NARUTO!"

He let out a moan, which somehow managed to convey a thousand story-rating raising words with it despite being muffled by the pillow.

"Dobe."

"TEME!!" Naruto roared, throwing the pillow away as he bolted upright—

_**BAM!**_

Sasuke stumbled backwards; clutching his head and shouting the words that Naruto's groan had been synonymous with, in addition to several… interesting but anatomically impossible claims about Naruto's lineage. Kiba raised an eyebrow as he took out a notebook and started scribbling in it.

"I've never heard _that_ one before!" He confided to the still-groggy blonde as he wrote. "Ooh, _that_ one was _really_ good!"

Akamaru barked in agreement. Chouji actually paused in mid-chew at one of the Sasuke's declarations, gaining a green tinge as he considered the Uchiha's words. And then, possibly for the first time in the history of Konoha, an Akamichi _put the chips away_.

Yes, you read that right. Akamichi Chouji _willingly_ put down _food_.

For a full five minutes, everyone stared at Chouji in shock. None of them spoke. None of them so much as _breathed_. The only sound was that of crickets chirping, from underneath Shino's coat.

Until, of course, a high-pitched scream broke the silence.

"_OHEMGEE!"_ Shino wailed. "IT'S THE _END OF THE __**WORLD!!"**_

And with that, the Aburame threw his arms in the air, and, still shrieking, ran out of the room so quickly that his sunglasses clattered to the floor behind him. Another stretch of silence ensued—this one without crickets—as Naruto, now fully awake, slowly picked them up with trembling hands.

"Guys..." The blond managed to choke out in a hoarse, reverent whisper. "Somewhere in Konoha, Shino is running around… naked…"

"He still has his clothes on." Sasuke pointed out, rubbing his head. "He just lost his glasses."

"For Shino, that _is_ naked." Chouji pointed out. They were all silent once again, thinking on the situation.

"I've been waiting years for this!" Kiba yelled, pulling out a camera as he jumped out of the window. Or tried to.

"Hey, I just washed that!" Naruto cried as the Inuzuka hid the glass and fell backwards with a yelp. "What are you, colorblind?"

"…Yes." Kiba muttered, then burst into tears.

"Oh." Naruto blinked, unsure of what to say. "Um… I don't know what to say…"

"The author just said that." Sasuke told him, rolling his eyes as he broke the fourth wall. Somewhere far away, a certain Naruto-obsessed teen swore as she grabbed duct tape to fix it.

"What are you, deaf?" Kiba taunted. He scratched his head. "Hey, what were we doing again?"

"I don't know." Naruto replied, looking just as confused. Then, he blinked as something occurred to him. "By the way, how did you guys get in here?"

"Your mother-in-law let us in." Sasuke snarled, fighting back bitter memories. It was obvious which mother-in-law he was talking about.

"How did Mrs. Haruno get a key?"

"HIASHI-DONO HAD NEJI-SAN STEAL ONE OF YOURS AND KAZEKAGE-SAMA MADE COPIES OUT OF SAND!" Sakura's mom shouted from outside the room, as she so often did. Naruto had never even seen her, only heard her. "ALMOST EVERYONE IN KONOHA HAS ONE!"

"Okay, arigat—wait, _WHAT?"_ Naruto screeched. Something terrible had occurred to him.

_If almost everyone has a key, then…_ "EVEN _ERO-SENNIN?!"_

"HAI!" Came the all-too cheerful reply.

"I'm doomed." Naruto moaned, burying his head in his hands. He thought back to Jiraiya's reaction when, after several years of traveling in order to do 'research' for his infamous _Icha Icha_ series, he had returned to find his student married to four women and engaged to a fifth.

* * *

"_Ero-sennin?" Naruto poked the unconscious sannin, unsure of whether or not he should be worried, because the old man had fainted dead away at the news of his students polygamy, or afraid, because he was giggling and leering in his sleep. _

* * *

He should have known to be afraid. Very afraid. Very, _very,_ _VERY, **VERY, VERY**—_

"Hey, where are your kids?" Chouji asked, snapping Naruto out of his thoughts. "Aren't you supposed to be keeping an eye them or something?"

"Yeah, but I hired babysitters." The blonde said smugly, conveniently forgetting that it had been Neji who had come up with the idea in the first place. "They're taking the kids to the beach today, so I'm free."

Naruto's friends blinked at him. He blinked back. This continued for a full two minutes before Sasuke reached over and smacked the blonde on the head.

"Bakamono." He growled. "Konoha doesn't even _have_ a beach!"

* * *

"Heads up!" 

Deidara heard the warning moments too late. He barely had time to turn around before a foot planted itself right in the middle of his face. It wasn't the foot that caused him to fall backwards and hit the back of his head on the paved street, though. It was physics that caused that.

Physics; and the fact that the foot was attached to a certain blonde Hokage who gave the word knockout a new, all-too literal meaning.

Said Hokage jumped off of Deidara's face, scowling as she surveyed the surrounding area. The majority of the nearby villagers—and a few tourists who had just entered the village through the gate a few feet away—ran as though their lives depended on it. After all, in all likelihood, they _did_.

"Darn it!" Tsunade growled. She started destroying a certain ramen stand using only a single pinkie, as a form of stress relief (Thankfully, the chef and his daughter were out to lunch, so nobody was harmed during her rampage.). "Where'd he go?"

The squad of ANBU who had followed her exchanged nervous looks as they watched the destruction, although it was hard to tell due to their masks. It took a mere thirty seconds for the Hokage to finish turning what had once been Ichiraku's Ramen into a pile of vaguely noodle-flavored sawdust.

* * *

"NoooooOOOO_OOOOOO__**OOOOOOOO**__**OOOOOO!!"**_

Kiba, Akamaru, Chouji, and Sasuke stared at the screaming Naruto. He stared back at them, his eyes wild with grief as the echoes of his cry faded away.

"Geeze, calm down." Kiba told him, sweatdropping. "It's not as if we can't get them back."

"Nani?" Naruto blinked. "Get who back?"

Cue the group facefault!

"Baka…" Sasuke muttered under his breath as he got to his feet.

"Teme!" Replied Naruto, who somehow _always_ heard Sasuke. Even when the Uchiha hadn't spoken out loud.

"Dobe."

"TEME!"

"They're at it again…" Chouji complained with a sigh. "How many times does that make it? Ten?"

"One-hundred and twenty-seven." Kiba replied. "But that's just in the last week. Usually the number's much higher…"

"Should we stop them?"

"Do _you_ want to get in the middle of _that_?" Was the incredulous reply.

"Bakamono."

"_**TEME!"**_

Chouji shuddered. Not even a free all-you-can-eat barbecue could tempt him to try to break _that_ up. Well, okay, it could certainly _tempt_ him, but he wouldn't do it. Probably. Maybe. Depending on whether or not he was hungry.

Wait, he was always hungry. So yeah, he'd do it for an all-you-can-eat barbecue.

_RING! RING!_

Kiba picked up the phone. "Dumb blonde's residence, Kiba speaking." He listened for a moment.

"Hey, Naruto!" He shouted over to the rivals. Lightning was sparking between their eyes as they glared at each other. "It's for you!"

The blonde blinked and walked over, taking the phone from the Inuzuka. "Hello?"

**"Ohaiyo!"** Five all-too familiar voices chorused. Naruto almost dropped the phone in shock.

"O-Ohaiyo…" He managed to stammer, terror filling his heart. "…honeys…"

* * *

Tsunade whirled around to glare at the ANBU. "What are you baka's waiting for?" 

"…"

"I bet twenty grand that the bug kid has squinty eyes!" She roared. The squad of elite ninja's, who could assassinate Daimyo's without hesitation and face down the surviving members of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist without breaking a sweat, cowered in the face of her fury.

"We're not _cowering_." Yugao protested, glaring up at the sky. "We're—"

A brick fell through the clouds and landed a few inches away from her head. Pale beneath her mask, the ANBU member stared at it. "Right. Cowering."

"Get going!" Tsunade shouted, raising a fist threateningly. "And don't come back unless you've got the gaki! And he'd better not have his sunglasses on!"

"Hai, Hokage-sama!" They chorused before fleeing.

"We're not fleeing! We're just utilizing a strategic retreat!"

Several more bricks fell, one landing on Yugao's head and knocking her out, _coincidentally_ cutting off anything else that she might have said. The other ANBU exchanged looks and decided on leaving her there for the moment, rather than go back for her and risk the wrath of their Godaime.

Tsunade watched them go before running off to see if the wayword Shino had ended up in a nearby casino; completely ignoring the blonde lying unconscious in the street, the tutu-wearing masked kid that stood a few feet away from him, and even the dozen infants with them. In fact, she ignored them so completely that she stepped on Deidara's face again.

"Aburame…" Tobi murmured, swaying dizzily. Behind his orange mask, his dark eye was wide with shock, and his face was even paler than an unpainted ANBU mask."…Without sunglasses…"

He started trembling, slowly at first, but with steadily increasing speed and force. "Aburame without sunglasses…no sunglasses… Aburame…"

"CAMERA!!" He suddenly screamed, running off towards the direction the ANBU had taken. _"I NEED A __**CAMERA!!"**_

The babies watched him go with wide eyes, before looking down at their other 'babysitter.' He had started drooling in his sleep, which would get him in a lot of trouble, seeing as he was drooling on Yugao, who had landed on top of him when she had gotten knocked out. After staring at the unconscious pair for a moment, the children looked at one another.

"FWEEDOM!"

And so began the day that would be remembered centuries later as 'The Day of Uzumaki Naruto's Reckoning' or, as it became more commonly known as, 'The Day That The Rokudaime Almost Blew Up, Froze, Burned Down, and Flooded Konohagakure (In That Order). Don't ask' or just, as it was later shortened to, as 'Don't ask. _Please.'_

* * *

-cackles evilly- The next chapter is going to be fun… very, very fun… 

Every review buys duct tape to use in repairing the fourth wall. Help me keep it from collapsing and destroying the universe as we know it!


	7. Day Six, Noon: Phone Calls and Glasses

Disclaimer: If I told you that I owned Naruto, would you believe me?

Sasuke: No.

Kitsuru: Evil muse…

Okay, so, thanks to the wonders of masking tape—which HAS to be magical, there's no way that something so amazing can't be!—the fourth wall has been repaired! Of course, while it was broken, Tenten managed to become a bit OOC.

-Whistles innocently- Yup, it was the broken fourth walls fault, not mine. Tenten's sudden evilness is in not my fault in any way whatsoever…

The chapters just keep getting longer—this one managed over four-thousand words, without the A/N. That's both a good thing, and a bad thing, in my opinion.

It's good because story length is always something that I've wanted to work on. It's bad because it means more work for me, and with school starting next week that could be a problem. I'll try to update as often as I can, but I was really hoping to finish this story before the end of summer… -sighs-

Does anyone have any flashback requests? I didn't do one this chapter, because nobody really asked for any… however, I did bring the girls in! Not to mention a certain Uchiha and shark-man duo!

* * *

It was just another day of vacationing for the Uzumaki girls, filled with sun, swimming, and Temari screaming at the pool-boy. Until, of course, a certain member of their group caught another huddled in a closet, feverishly dialing Naruto's phone number. 

"…Ino?" The pink haired kunoichi managed to say, her voiced shocked and disapproving. Her long-time rival, friend, and fellow wife winced.

"I couldn't help it…" The blonde admitted guiltily. Sakura looked around cautiously, and then smirked.

"Move over, Oinker!" She urged eagerly.

"I should've known that you weren't the goody-goody that you always pretended to be, Billboard-brow!" Ino taunted as she made room for the other woman. Sakura merely cackled in reply.

"Sakura?" Both women froze at the new voice. "Ino?"

"Hinata!" Ino welcomed with a sigh of relief, as she and Sakura turned to face the once-shy girl. "Come on, you're just in time!"

"Just in time for what?" The dark-haired woman asked, confused.

"We're going to call Naruto!" Kakashi's former student explained, looking around for any listeners. Finding none, she gestured for Hinata to join them. "Now hurry, before Tenten or Temari—"

"Did I hear my name?" Tenten asked from behind them, and Sakura paled.

"Tenten, hi!" The blonde greeted with a nervous laugh. The weapons mistress gave them a _look_.

"It's finally happening, isn't it?" She asked, after a moment.

"What's finally happening?" Hinata wondered. Tenten blinked, having just noticed the other woman.

"You're here too, Hinata?" She mused out loud. "Never mind, then. You two aren't the type to confess your passionate love to each other with an audience." The brunette paused for a moment, then added, "at least, not until you've confessed to each other."

Silence. It was a shame that Shino wasn't there to supply the chirping crickets, but he was still busy running around sunglasses-less in Konoha.

"…Wait, _what?!" _Tsunade's two apprentices shrieked in unison. Tenten brushed their confusion off with a wave of her hand.

"Nothing, nothing at all." She said, a forced cheerfulness in her voice. "So, why are you hiding in the closet this time?"

"We've _never_ hidden in a closet before!" Ino protested, and Sakura nodded vehemently.

"Hai, you have." Tenten replied smugly. "Or need I remind you of what happened at my bachelorette party?"

Ino and Sakura blushed and less-than-subtly put some distance between each other—in other words, they scrambled to get away—as Hinata blinked in confusion.

"What happened at your bachelorette party?" She asked, confused. "That night's a blur to me, since I think that somebody spiked the punch or something…"

"I did that." The weapons mistress told her, grinning evilly at the memory.

"That was _you?!" _The pink-haired woman yelped. The blonde appeared to be choking. "Why the _heck_ did you do that?"

"I wanted to see what would happen." Tenten said cheerfully, casually avoiding an angry attempt at to strangle her. "And let me say, that was _definitely_ a night to remember!"

"Speak for yourself…" Ino muttered, then blinked. "Hey, wait, if you spiked the punch during yours… then who spiked it at mine?"

"And come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that someone spiked it at mine…" Hinata recalled with a frown.

"And don't forget mine!" Sakura added, favoring the brunette with a suspicious look.

"Make that _nights_ to remember." Tenten revised, smirking. Before the other women could kill/maim/torture her, she hastily changed the subject. "So, what were you three doing here, anyways?"

"Ano…" Hinata murmured guiltily, glancing at the medic-nins, who seemed to have discovered that the floor was really quite _fascinating_. Tenten stared at them expectantly for a moment, before she noticed the phone still clutched in Ino's hand.

"So _that's_ what you're up too!" She exclaimed, and the three women nodded, embarrassed. "Well it's about time!"

The trio blinked, caught off guard by the unadulterated glee in Tenten's voice.

"…Say what?" Ino managed to squeak. The weapons mistress smirked at them.

"Come on, you didn't think that I'd try and stop you guys, did you?" She asked. Her fellow wives exchanged looks, but kept quiet. "I've been meaning to call for the last few days, to see whether or not Naruto's burned down Konoha yet!"

"Now hand over the phone!" She said, ignoring the terror-stricken expressions on the trio's face as she squeezed into the closet.

"Okay, do I even _want_ to know what's going on here?" Temari's voice suddenly cut in, and the blood drained from the four women's faces. They turned, the looks on their faces the epitome of guilt, and Temari's gaze darted immediately to the phone.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…" She muttered, glaring at them. Sakura stared at the floor, while Ino tried to meet the other blonde's eyes in defiance—and failed miserably—Tenten grinned, and Hinata just gave her a helpless shrug. After a moment, Temari gave a resigned sigh.

"Alright, move over." She ordered, and had to hold back a smile at the triumphant smirk from the weapons mistress, the sigh of relief from the Hyuuga as she moved closer to Tenten to make room, and the twin squeals of glee from the medic-nin's.

* * *

"O-ohaiyo…" He managed to stammer, terror filling his heart. "… honey's." 

"…**Okay, what did you do this time?"**Ino demanded after a moment of silence.

"N-nani?" _Please sound convincing, please sound convincing, please _pleasePLEASE_ sound convincing… _"W-What are y-you t-talking a-about?"

"**You're a worse liar than Neji, Naruto." **He heard Tenten say. **"But a much better kisser, I'll admit."**

"**That's for sure." **Temari agreed.

"Really?" He asked, grinning triumphantly. "I—WAIT, _WHAT?!"_

"**Calm down." **The former Suna kunoichi ordered. **"It was a party, and we were drunk."**

"**And I went on a few dates with him during those two years that you were training with Jiraiya." **The weapons mistress informed him cheerfully.** "No need for you to panic."**

"_**Yet." **_Sakura added, and the blonde paled.

"Wh-why would I need to panic?" He asked, trying to forget Tenten's comment about his lack of lying skills. She was probably just joking around… everyone had always told him that he was a great liar...

... After catching him in the middle of a lie. Come to think of it, he had never gotten away with lying that he could remember… crap…

"**You sound like Hinata used to." **Tenten informed him matter-of-factly.

"**And last time that happened, you were at your third bachelor party and Sasuke and Sai had gotten drunk and declared their eternal love for each other." **Temari reminded him.** "You were convinced that the world was going to end, and—crap, hold on a minute. Sakura's fainted from blood loss. Ino, can you—darn it, she's out too! Tenten, get some—why am I not surprised? What about—**_**Hinata!**_** Not **_**you**_** too? Am I the only one here who isn't perverted?"  
**

"Temari!" Naruto suddenly shouted.

"**OW! Darn it Naruto, were you trying to deafen me or something?!"**

"Temari, are you still there? I can't hear you!" The blonde continued. "I'm losing you—Temari!"

"Naruto! What are you—" 

He hung up the phone, smirking as he recalled something that Jiraiya had told him while they were running away from a horde of angry kunoichi who had caught the perverted author 'researching' at the hot springs while Naruto trained. Needless to say, the blonde hadn't been interested in any of the 'wisdom' that his hentai of a teacher had wanted to pass on.

"_If all else fails, just pretend that you've lost the connection and _pray_ that they're a _heck_ of a lot farther away than you think that they are."_

Ero-sennin really did get weird sometimes… He still had no idea what that had had to do with their situation, especially since the women had almost managed to catch up to them and none of them were on the phone. But, that was a story for another day, and to make sure that he lived until that day, he had to get going.

And _fast,_ before Temari tried to call him back…

* * *

"Naruto!" The blonde shouted. "What are you talking about?!" 

Only silence answered her. She scowled, hanging up the phone. _He hung up on me! He _actually_ hung up on me!_

_Drip._

_Now why am I thinking about dripping about a time like this? _She wondered, and then realized that the sound hadn't come from her mind. She put a hand beneath her nose, groaning when it came away wet and red.

"Give me a break…" She muttered, looking at the other Uzumaki's, who were still unconscious. "At least they're worse than I am, or they'd be awake." She shuddered. "Tenten would _never_ let me live this down…"

She looked once more at the phone, and sighed.

"Well, whatever's going on, it can't be that _bad_." Temari decided at last. "I mean, nobody was screaming in agony in the background this time, and I didn't even hear anything about fire!"

_Not _yet,_ anyways…_

"Now, where's that pool-boy…?" She wondered, scowling. "I'm still waiting for my lemonade!"

* * *

"Okay, I think we're in the clear for now." Naruto announced. 

"For now?" Sasuke asked Kiba, who shook his head.

"Whatever it is, we don't want to know." He said firmly. Sasuke considered that for a moment, before nodding in agreement. When dealing with Naruto, it was always better to be safe rather than sorry.

"Arf!" Akamaru barked, drawing their attention. "Ruff ruff arf!"

"Nani?" Chouji asked through a mouthful of chips. "What'd he say?"

"He says that he's got Shino's scent!" The Inuzuka shouted after a moment, grinning as he pulled the camera back out. "Come on, we can cut him off if we—"

"_Don't even think about it." _Naruto growled, and his friends froze guiltily. "You're going to help me find my kids."

"Why would we do that?" Sasuke asked, faking disinterest. He'd probably end up helping; just on the virtue of being Naruto's former teammate, but that didn't mean that he'd let the blonde know that.

"Teme, if you're going to threaten not to help, be serious about it." Naruto retorted, smirking. The Uchiha grumbled.

"There he goes…" Kiba moaned, standing at the window. He blinked. "Hey, Naruto?"

"What is it?" He asked absently. "We need to find my kids!"

"About that…" He gave a nervous laugh. "Well, there's kind of a baby on Shino's head."

Complete and utter silence.

"Think that it might be one of yours?"

* * *

"OH EM GEE!!" 

Shino ran, once again shrieking at the top of his lungs. Konohaians scattered before him, rushing to get out of his way, and the few that failed to do so were quite literally trampled. And afterwards, all they could do was groan about an 'eye-blocking brat.'

In other words, Uzumaki Inoichi had inherited his fathers' penchant for getting on peoples nerves, as well as for ending up in very unusual places. But, where Naruto had spent his time on top of the Hokage monument, Ino's elder son had decided to go on a somewhat smaller—not to mention hairier—head.

Shino's, to be precise.

"I'M _BLII__**IIII**__**IIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!"**_ At the moment, he was giggling as he held his little hands in front of Shino's eyes, blocking them from viewing anything, and from being viewed.

Which was why several of the wealthier citizens of Konoha tried to identify him. Not that they were going to put a hit out on him for keeping them from seeing the Aburame's eyes or anything! They just wanted to return him to his parents.

_Really._

"SHINO, STOP!"

Inoichi giggled slightly as he considered waving at his panicked father. He decided against it, since he had apparently inherited his mothers common sense rather than his fathers lack of it, and went back to holding on. Shino, meanwhile, was oblivious to the proceedings.

"YOU WON'T STOP ME!"

Or not.

_"YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, **FLYSWATTER PEOPLE OF VELGUS-TWELVE!!"**_

Okay, never mind. He was _definitely_ oblivious.

Kiba tripped while trying to get his mind around Shino screaming about aliens. In fact, he was still having trouble getting used to the whole 'Shino screaming' part of it all. Especially seeing—or rather, hearing—as Shino was screaming like a girl.

Not that he'd say as much out loud, at least not around any kunoichi's.

After all, he wasn't Naruto; who healed inhumanly quickly and seemed to instantly forget any beatings he'd been given before by his pink-haired teammate, his other wives, his Hokage, and several other miscellaneous kunoichi (i.e. Anko) once said beatings were finished. In fact, the Inuzuka was secretly convinced that the blonde was a masochist. It made sense when you thought about it.

He staggered to his feet, spitting out dirt and looking around. The street was empty, save for him and a tumbleweed. Oh, and two women who seemed to be on top of one another.

At that, the Inuzuka did a double take and found himself sorely disappointed. Not only were they not… messing around, but also, as he determined nearly a full five minutes later, one of them wasn't even really a woman! He wanted to sob at his disappointment, but since that would wake them up, he decided against it.

For the moment, at least.

* * *

"I… I can't…" Naruto, exhausted beyond all belief, had collapsed, panting, in a heap in the middle of the street. Sasuke, standing above him and barely looking winded—or interested, for that matter—poked him with his foot. "…Teme… knock it… off…" 

"Some future Rokudaime you are." Neji snorted. The blonde growled. "And _very_ articulate."

"…Arigatou…"

"That was sarcasm, dobe." Sasuke informed him.

"TEME!!" Naruto roared, leaping to his feet angrily.

"Weren't you exhausted beyond belief?" Neji asked. The blonde blinked, before falling back down to the ground.

"…At least… we managed to get… Inoichi back… ne…?" Naruto asked. He smiled at the infant, who was squirming happily in Neji's arms. The Uchiha, much to the blonde's amusement, kept giving Inoichi highly suspicious glances, perhaps wondering if he had inherited his mothers love of glomping people—after all, they had found him on Shino's _head._

"Hai." The Hyuuga affirmed, shifting his hold on the excited baby. "Only eleven more to go."

"It could… be worse…"

"Great." Sasuke groaned, palming his forehead. Suddenly, and without warning, Sasuke was covered in a certain, smelly fluid. He took a pointed step away from the now-giggling baby. "You jinxed it. Just… great…"

"What are you guys waiting for?" Naruto asked impatiently. The Uchiha gaped at his old teammate, stunned by the fact that a) the blonde had gotten up and over his exhaustion so suddenly and without even being cued by the author in any way, shape, or form and b) that he hadn't taken the opportunity to at least point and laugh at him.

On second thought, scratch the b. He wasn't one to look a gift baka in the mouth. _And speaking of baka's…_

"We've got to find them before they get hurt and I get maimed!" The blonde was shouting, waving his arms around pointlessly.

_So this is parenthood… _Sasuke realized, awed at Naruto knowing the word 'maimed' and not seizing a chance to taunt him. _…Or maybe Naruto's fear of his wives. Or both._

"Certainly." Neji acquiesced, dumping the mini-blonde in Sasuke's hands. The Uchiha blanched and tried to hand him back, but the Hyuuga had already gotten out of range. "But there's one problem."

"Nani?" The blonde blinked at him, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"How are we supposed to find them?" He asked. Naruto blinked again.

"Well, duh!" He replied, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "We use Akamaru, dattebayo!"

"Brilliant plan." Neji said dryly. "But how are we supposed to do _that_ without Kiba? He's the only one of us who speaks dog, _remember?"_

Naruto blinked. Sasuke blinked. Akamaru—who had been sniffing something at the side of the street—blinked. Even Inoichi blinked.

And then Akamaru took off in search of his partner. Naruto ran off after him, since Akamaru was most likely the _only_ being that could possibly save his children—and himself, when his wives got back. The two Clan members exchanged blank looks, which were quickly replaced by their usual aloof 'I'm-so-much-better-than-you-could-ever-hope-to-be-peasant' expressions.

"So…" Sasuke began. "…Want to get some tomatoes or something?"

"Eh, why not?" Neji agreed. He smirked. "Of course, you couldn't come."

"Why not?" The Uchiha asked, outwardly indignant and inwardly horrified at missing a chance to eat his favorite food.

"Because _you_ have _that_." The Hyuuga pointed at Inoichi, who gave them a toothless smile. "Besides, have you smelled yourself lately?"

"I'm trying not to." Sasuke muttered. Then, a smirk spread across his face as well. "I have a question, Hyuuga."

"Nani?"

"What would happen if Hiashi found out Hinata's kids being missing?" The younger man asked.

Neji grinned evilly. "He'd be very, _very_ angry…"

"Hai." The Uchiha agreed. "At _you."_

The Hyuuga's crazed grin at the daydreams of Naruto being maimed and forced to divorce Hinata quickly vanished. He frowned at the other shinobi. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, if you knew that they were gone and possibly in danger, but you didn't help to find them…" He let the sentence trail off, and watched Neji grow very, _very_ pale and very, _very_ quiet as his imagination got the best of him.

And the worst part was, the fate he was imagining was probably a lot better than what would await the Hyuuga. Neji wasn't exactly the most imaginative of people, and Hiashi…

…Well, let's just say that Hiashi was _very_ imaginative and leave it at that.

"The Inuzuka compound is north of here, ne?" Neji asked dazedly. Sasuke nodded and cackled silently.

_Kukukuku!_

He frowned as he realized what he had just done, albeit mentally. Okay, he had _definitely_ spent too much time around Orochimaru.

_Note to self: find a way to get therapy without anyone finding out about it…_

* * *

_What the heck is that guy in a dress for, anyways? _Kiba wondered abstractly, poking the aforementioned dress-wearer. _I mean, he had to be picking up chicks to get like _that_ with one, but…_

The woman groaned and shifted a bit, allowing him to see her face. Or rather, her—slightly cracked—mask. She was an ANBU!

Kiba quickly put two and two together, and managed to get something resembling four. He decided that the guy in the dress must have been there for a while, probably even since the night before when most drunkards tended to pass out in the street. And the ANBU must have gotten hit in the head, causing her mask to crack and knocking her out.

Neither of them probably had any idea about the position they were in, nor, more importantly, who was in it with them. Grinning evilly, Kiba looked around. Nope, the street was still empty.

_Perfect. _He thought gleefully. _I'll finally show all of Konoha just who the greatest prankster is!_

He cackled, winced as the very feminine unconscious man groaned, and tried to cackle at a whisper-level.

_Tried_ being the key word. Needless to say, the result was a very… _interesting_ sound. In fact, when Shizune—who was nearby searching for Tsunade—heard it, she screamed.

"Not again!" She wailed, dropping the stack of paperwork that she had been trying to get the errant Hokage to work on. It cracked the pavement when it hit it, but Shizune was too busy panicking to notice.

"Tonton, don't do it!!" She cried. "DON'T GIVE IN TO_ KARAOKE NIGHT!!__** NOOO**__**OOOOO!!"**_

* * *

"OH EM GEE!" 

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

"OH EM GEE, A SNAIL CREATURE FROM MEEPTRON-ALPHA!"

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!" Tobi shouted.

"GET AWAY, SNAIL CREATURE FROM MEEPTRON-ALPHA!"

"OKAY!" The Akatsuki member, who had been running alongside the Aburame, ran off in another direction. "HAVE A NICE DAY!"

"THANKS!" Shino replied, waving goodbye. "YOU TOO!"

"Do I even _want_ to know?" Kisame asked Itachi from their spot at the side of the road. The pair had been sent to see why Deidara and Tobi hadn't returned yet.

"Know what?" His partner asked.

"Why there's an Aburame running around without his sunglasses on." The shark-man explained. Itachi froze.

"Did you just say that there was an Aburame… running around…. without his glasses?"

"Yup." The swordsman replied cheerfully. "Didn't you see… oh, sorry, I forgot."

The Uchiha turned around, walked to—and into the wall of—the nearest building, and started banging his head against the wall. Repeatedly.

"You know…" Kisame commented, watching Itachi with a bored expression on his face. "…If you would just get glasses already, this wouldn't be a problem."

"For the last time, Uchiha's don't need glasses!" Itachi growled. "Do you have any idea how my foolish little brother would react if he saw me wearing them?"

"And how would he react with you walking into walls?"

"That's not the point!" The Uchiha said petulantly. "I refuse to get glasses! I'll look like a geek!"

"Then get contacts."

"_Ew!"_ The S-Class missing-nin shuddered at the thought. "I'm not sticking things into my eyes, thank you very much!"

"Whatever." Kisame acquiesced with a shrug. "It's no skin off my nose if you walk off a cliff or something."

* * *

Five minutes later… 

"Oh, come on, I was just _kidding!"_

"…"

"Hello? Can you hear me?"

"…"

"Are you still alive down there?"

"…"

"Crap."

"…Hn."

"So you _are_ still alive… double-crap."

"Kisame?"

"Nani?"

"I _may_ be willing to _consider_ getting glasses."

"Yeah, whatever. I stole Kakuzu's secret hoard of cash, so just make sure to pick the most expensive pair."

* * *

"NoooOOOOOOOOOOO_OOOOOOOOOOOOO__**OOOOOOOO**__**OOOOOOOOO!!"**_

* * *

"Did you hear that?" Sasuke asked. 

"If by 'that,' you mean the scream of complete and utter anguish and loss…" Neji began. "… Then no, I didn't."

* * *

"AKAMARU!!" Naruto wailed. _"COME __**BAAAA**__**AAAAACK!!"**_

"Troublesome…" A familiar voice sighed. "Would you mind keeping it down? I'm _trying_ to watch clouds here."

"Shikamaru!" The blonde shouted, resulting in another exasperated sigh. "Have you seen Akamaru?"

"No."

"Oh…" Naruto drooped sadly, then brightened. "Well, what about any of my kids?"

"Depends. Are they as troublesome as you are?"

"From what I've been told, they're even worse than I am." Naruto said proudly.

"That's not a good thing."

"It's not?"

"No, Naruto, it's not." Shikamaru informed him with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh…" The blonde was silent for a moment. "But anyways, have you seen any of them?"

"No."

"Aw…"

"If that's over with, would you mind getting off of my face?" Shikamaru asked. "It's troublesome trying to watch clouds with you there. Plus, you're heavy."

"I am not—wait, what?" Naruto blinked. Then he looked down. Then he quickly jumped off, looking sheepish. "Sorry about that, Shikamaru. Daijoubu?"

"I'm fine." He replied with a lazy wave of an arm. "But weren't you in the middle of something troublesome?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" The blonde screamed, remembering his predicament. He ran off. _"AKA__**MA**__**RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!"**_

"What the heck was that about?" A new voice asked.

"Something troublesome." Shikamaru replied with a shrug. "Now get back to fanning me, this troublesome heat is… troublesome."

Kankuro growled, wishing not for the first time for a chance to get back at Naruto for knocking him out and giving Shikamaru a chance to blackmail him—trust me, you _don't_ want to know how—into being his slave for a week. That, and to get out of the maids outfit that he had been forced to wear. _This thing's itchy!_

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND RAMEN-FLAVORED!" They heard Naruto scream. _"NOT __**THAT!! ANYTHING BUT **__**THAT!!"**_

"_**YOSH!"**_ They heard Lee reply in his usual obliviously happy and loud way. "AREN'T REUNIONS BEAUTIFULLY _YOUTHFUL_, GAI-SENSEI?"

"TRULY THEY ARE, LEE!"

"HOW COULD YOU?!" He wailed. "YOU TURNED MY SON INTO A… A..."

"WE MERELY GAVE HIM A MAKEOVER! RIGHT, GAI-SENSEI?"

"YOSH, LEE! NOW HE IS AS COOL AS _WE_ ARE!"

"It sounds like _someone's_ going a bit overboard with the caps lock." Kankuro muttered. Shikamaru coughed pointedly, reminding him of what had happened to a certain member of ANBU.

"GAI-SENSEI!"

_"LEE!"_

_"_**_GAI-SENSEI!"  
_**

_**"LEE!"**_

"_OH EM GEE,_ YOU'VE EVEN MADE HIS _TEETH SHINY!"_ Naruto sobbed. _"SAKURA'S GOING TO __**KILL **__**ME!!"**_

"THERE'S NO NEED TO THANK US!"

"HAI, WE ARE HAPPY TO HELP OUT A FRIEND!"

_"WHY **MEEEEEEEEE?!"**_

* * *

Did you guys think that I had forgotten Kankuro? Iie, I was just waiting until you thought that I did! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Sasuke: In other words, you completely forgot about him and now you're covering it up by explaining what happened to him now.

Kitsuru: -nervously- No, of course not! And what the heck are you doing down here, anyways? This is _my_ space to beg shamelessly for reviews! –hinthint-

Sasuke: I don't see your name on it.

Kitsuru: -points to the left- See, it's right there! –points upwards- And there, too!

Sasuke: So's mine.

Kitsuru: You and Shikamaru—not that he ever does anything other than hang around and look at clouds—get the _pre_-story space! BAD MUSE! _BAD!_ Do I have to get out the newspaper?

Sasuke: -activates his sharingan- What was that?

Kitsuru: -nervously- Um… Do you want to read the newspaper?

Sasuke: Not particularly. Just get on with begging for reviews or whatever you usually do down here.

Kitsuru: Hai! If you liked this chapter—or if you didn't, since I _really_ like constructive criticism, as long as it's not flaming—then please review!


End file.
